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23rd February 2016

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23rd February 2016

Post reblogged from She Writes In Her Dreams with 5 notes

A Little Unsteady

shewritesinherdreams:

Title: A Little Unsteady

Warnings: mentions of suicide, sad, fluffy near the end, self harm, depression

Word Count: 2,704 (I am not even sorry)

Request by: http://brieflywaywarddestiny.tumblr.com/

“We’ll be back by Monday,” Sam smiled softly, “Promise”

You smiled back, nodding slightly, you couldn’t go because the last hunt you were on left you with a twisted ankle and you wouldn’t be much help to the boys in the field. You’d be the research monkey and frankly, that research would be best conducted from the comfort of the bunker and its giant library. The boys couldn’t stay in the bunker for too long – they craved the adventure and the adrenaline rush from near-death encounters with the supernatural. Idiots.

Dean walked past you with a duffel bag slung over his shoulder. He back tracked and stooped to give you a kiss on your forehead, “Kick back and relax, Y/N. We won’t be back for a few days. Don’t forget to eat and sleep and not too much Netflix, alright? We’ll bug you every now and then for a little assistance.”

You snorted, “Yeah, sure, mom”

Sam laughed lightly and Dean hit you over the head as he left the library, smiling.

The impala roared to life in the distance and Sam left after giving you a hug. You waited for the bunker to go quiet as you sipped the coffee Dean made, wondering what you could do with all the free time on your hand.

___

It was day 3, you last talked to Dean three hours ago and that was a sort of a “Goodbye” call. A nice little, “Nothing we can’t handle, we love you, if we’re not back within 48 hours it means we’ve been ripped to shreds by a wendigo. No biggie.”

Worrying would get you nowhere; that could wait till the 48 hours were over. So you limped to your room and figured you’d sort out your room a bit. There were a few boxes you hadn’t yet opened ever since you moved in with the boys. Most of them were stuffed with things that had sentimental value or some connection to the mundane life you once lived. The boys weren’t home, you didn’t feel like watching anything and you probably wouldn’t get this kind of privacy for a while

.
Sighing, you picked up one box, regretting it instantly because your foot protested in pain and dumped it on the bed, taking off the lid once you were on it. The first thing you pulled out was a journal that once belonged to you. It was from your deepest darkest days and held the memories you’d rather never recall. Gulping, you opened it, and flipped it to a random page.

___

You read the journal. All of it. You closed it, put it aside and stared at it for so long, you weren’t sure it was real any more. You blinked. Yup, the wretched thing was still there. Your hands were shaking. You picked it up and went downstairs to burn it. And as the flames devoured the old pages hungrily, your emotional state got worse. You were angry at yourself. You limped back to your room, nursing a headache, the sound of your uneven footsteps in the empty bunker setting you on edge.

You couldn’t breathe. Your throat was closing up, your eyes were watering, and you kept swallowing to make that stupid lump go away. Damn it, not now. You shut your eyes tightly, everything had been so good lately, it had been ages since you felt like this and now – you brought this upon yourself. You opened your quivering mouth and took two asprin, swallowing them with one gulp of water and crawled into bed.

You awoke, screaming Dean’s name. Your cheeks were wet, and your shaking was worse than before. Fucking nightmares. You felt another panic attack coming, so you ran from it. You got out of bed, you changed, took a bath, tended to your foot, went to the library, read a little, watched a movie and then you were crying.

Maybe it was the song playing in the background, or something the girl on the screen said, or a phrase you read but now you were falling apart. Gasping for breath. You went back to your room, looking for something, anything – an escape. You were rummaging through your drawer, looking for something Dean gave you on your first date with him, something you could hold onto for dear life, something to keep you afloat till the boys got home. A glint caught your eye and your gaze landed on a blade.

No. Nope. Not going there. I’m better than this. I can fight it

___.

You ran it over your arm once, twice, thrice. Relishing in the odd, cold, gentle feel of it until you finally pressed down harder. The blade came away – your skin stayed plain for barely a second and then the blood rose to the surface, bright, red, and comforting.

Your breathing evened.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven.

Seven new wounds, bleeding.

You closed your eyes for a moment and opened them, breathing deep. You got up and methodically cleaned your room. Then finally went to the bathroom and washed away the blood and bandaged your arm. Your phone rang, the boys were on their way.

___

They came back mostly unharmed. Cas was with them, when you hugged him he pulled away instantly and gave you an odd look but you busied the boys in other conversation. You all had dinner and were now relaxing with a post dinner beer. You got up to get something and Dean grabbed your arm, you winced
Dean’s smile faltered, “Babe, you okay?”

“Yeah.” You smiled quickly.

Dean narrowed his eyes, studying you, then as if on purpose, he tightened his grip. You clenched your teeth and he saw your jaw working. He pulled you backwards and you followed, crashing on the sofa next to him. He was quiet – and so were Sam and Cas, you soon noticed. They were all watching you, Dean’s hand drifted down the sleeve of your hoodie and his fingers gently pulled it up to your elbow.

He saw the bandage with splotches of red and fresh ones spotting the white cloth as a result of his grip and his hand fell away. He breathed, “What is this?” his voice was even, steady but with a quiet undertone to it.

“Dean, babe, it’s noth-“

“Don’t lie to me.” He cut in quickly

“Dean-“

“Don’t lie to me.” Dean’s glare was fierce and his jaw clenched.

You found that your lips were quivering, “I’m sorry.”

His hands found yours again, they were comforting, “Sammy go get the first aid kit, let’s get this bandaged up again,” he caught your teary gaze, “Or I could ask Cas to heal it, is that okay?”

“Cas can heal it.” Your voice was thick, you started to undo the bandage, Dean pulling it free, and you heard the boys inhale sharply.

You knew that Cas would heal the cuts, and Dean would be more than upset, Sam would look at you with that goddamned look and try to talk to you after a few days, Dean might try and bring it up some time but right now? Right now, Cas would make it go away and everyone would just pretend this didn’t happen. They won’t ask you for an explanation and would simply try to understand whatever they could on their own, and you’d watch, and feel worse.

You ran your fingers over them. “Each line- stands for every time I fucked up. Stands for every time I let down someone I love”

“Y/N you don’t have to do this.” Sam cut in, giving you a way out.

“I really do, Sam. This one” you ran your finger over the first one, “Is for Mom, then Dad, the third one’s for my baby sister… I … I wasn’t an easy kid, ever. And after they found out that I needed pills to keep me grounded, they never treated me the same. God, they tried so hard to act normal. But they pulled me out of the hunting life and we tried to be the Brady bunch – just for me. And when the time came, I couldn’t protect them – “, you slowed down, “and now they’re gone.”

Dean swiped his thumb below your eyes and you continued, “My sister looked up to me, always said that she wanted to be just like me. After mom and dad, I tried to straighten up my act, be a little more responsible – but it was always her – she was always the one taking the bottle from my hands or the blade from my arm and she’d clean up my messes and hold me up and – she saved me. She was so busy saving me, that she forgot to look out for herself. I was never there for her. In the end – she offed herself and I’m still here.”

You took a deep breath, “And this one, stands for you, Dean. And this one’s for Sam, this one’s for Cas.”

“Why?” their voices echoed, just above a whisper.

“Cause guys, I’ve let you down so often, I’m not good enough for any of you and you still put up with me and I’ve fucked things up and I’m emotional and weird and sometimes I’m sad and I just don’t know why and I say things to you that I don’t mean and I’m always so loud and such a pain in the ass and you still have me here and I don’t even know why – I’m not stable, I’m damaged, I try to be happy and a good person and a better person but at the end of the day, it never lasts forever and I end up with a blade drawing lines in my skin and I cry myself to sleep and-“

Dean put his hands on your shoulders, “Y/N” you were still ranting, tears streaming down your face, “Y/N” Dean said, louder this time, you looked at him, then at Sam, whose eyes were glassy and Cas, who looked hurt, “You’re okay” he whispered, pulling you into a hug, his hand in your hair, “You’re okay,” he repeated, voice muffled, “It’s okay.”

Sam and Cas got up, Cas pulling up a chair near you and Sam sat down on the ground close to you. Cas pulled at your hand and ran his hands over the line that you didn’t explain yet, “And this one?”

“For me. Cause I reject myself before anyone else can. Cause I was supposed to be better, stronger – not fragile and broken. Cause I let myself down on a regular basis, cause this is not what I had planned.”

Cas ran his fingers near the cuts, then ran his thumb over the one that you had made for him, “You never let me down.” He spoke sincerely, almost with the dead honesty that is often found in children, “You were always too good in my opinion.” He ran his thumb over it again , “Your mother and father are in heaven, Y/N – they’re proud of the girl that they raised, they’re happy where they are, they don’t blame you, know that.”

He pressed his hand to those two cuts as well, “As for your sister, it’s not your fault, she didn’t blame you, she loved you, it’s true that she deserved to be right here with you, but the universe isn’t always in our favor, sometimes the strongest warriors die in battle, and I tell you now, that she was one of the strongest. I like to think she’s happy now – she had her turn, she paid her price and suffered through hell for as long as it was necessary – she’s alright now.” He smiled.

“Y/N, you’ve never let me down. You’re one of the bestest people I know. Me and Dean had to fight over you, FYI” you laughed, “I love you.” Dean coughed, “like a sister, cause if I didn’t Dean would kill me, but I’m glad that you’re with Dean, you make him so happy. Y/N you’re smart and funny and damn near perfect. I forgive you for liking star trek more than star wars.” You giggled, “Everyone’s flawed, but your past is a part of who you are now. Don’t blame yourself for it, please, it’s made you into this person we love.”

You looked at Sam skeptically as Cas healed another cut, three remaining,

“Sam. What’s wrong with you?”

“What?”

“Bestest isn’t a word, and it’s ‘Dean and I’ not ‘me and Dean.’”

Sam laughed knowingly “Nerd.”

Dean looked at you, really looked at you after all this time, “I can’t say I know exactly why you did this, babe. Because I spent way too long staring at the mirror trying to figure out what words to say to you and then rehearsing them like a fucking twelve year old and I dreamt about you and even now when I wake up with your arms around me I have to ask myself and God or whatever because I don’t know what I did to deserve you. Sam’s right, you make me so happy, you – you keep me going. If I – If I lost you – I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I’d never know how to keep going. I need you to know that you can trust me. Whatever demons your fighting, you don’t have to fight them alone.“

“I don’t think you know this,” Cas began absentmindedly, interrupting the kiss that Dean was about to give you, “But I’m an angel, Y/N. I see peoples souls the way you see faces,” He healed the cut, leaving behind the cut you made for Cas and yourself, “Your soul is bright, and beautiful, and there’s not a shred of bad in you. It’s like evil took one look at you and decided that it was better off elsewhere.” He healed another cut, leaving the final one there, “This one’s for you, isn’t it?”

You nodded.

Dean took your face in his hands, “You’ve forgiven me for every stupid thing I’ve done. I’m not ideal in any way. You’ve forgiven Cas for almost trying to kill you, You’ve forgiven Sammy for stealing your candy stash and that one time he tried to stab you – Beautiful, you have to learn to cut yourself some slack. No one’s perfect, but you come pretty close. Go easy on yourself.”

Cas healed the final cut and you pulled them all in a somewhat uncomfortable hug. Dean was right, this was okay – it was gonna be okay.

___

You woke up at 3am, eyes snapping open. You sensed uneasiness. Rolling over, you draped your arm around Dean’s waist, “Babe?”

“Hmm?”

“Don’t pretend, Dean, I know you didn’t sleep.”

He turned to face you and kissed you lightly, “You caught me.”

“What is it?”

He tucked your hair behind your ear and stared at you. It was quiet for a while, “I’m sorry.”

“What the hell for?”

Dean looked down, “You deserve better.”

“No, I don’t. I have you, pretty sure no one tops this ass.”

Dean rolled his eyes, “It was my fault.”

“No. Dean, it wasn’t.”

“It’s my job to look out for you, to be there for you, you’re my support system, it’s my job to be yours too. You deserve someone who can actually take care of you – I’m sloppy and unromantic and a little harsh sometimes and I take you with me on hunts where I could actually lose you.”

“Idiot.”

Dean looked a little offended.

“You look out for me all the time.” You kissed his cheek, “You are the fluffiest teddy bear out there, okay? You can be the epitome of cheesy romantic when you want to be. I can talk to you, you can talk to me. We protect each other, we take care of each other, and if you didn’t take me with you on hunts, you’d lose half your clothes in motels all over the U.S and make stupid mistakes and lose an arm or something.” You smiled, “Get over yourself. My fault” You mocked him.

Dean arched his eyebrows, “Epitome of cheesy romantic?”

“Shut up, it’s three in the morning.”

“I’d lose an arm?”

“Shut up.”

“Make me.”

You laughed and kissed him.

23rd February 2016

Post reblogged from Kardashians, Fuck Yeah! with 171,054 notes

conceptualsolitude:

fuocogo:

conceptualsolitude:

concept: there is no more light pollution and you can see every single star in the heavens. all is beautiful and quiet and there is nothing between you and the vast cosmos above

concept continued: the smog was our last line of defense and They Are Coming

continued concept continued: we welcome them with open arms and they give us baked goods from Beyond